Thursday, December 2, 2010

So You Want to Touch My 'Junk'?

Given the controversy over TSA body scan machines springing up in more and more airports these days, I have decided to offer you all some advice (rather tongue in cheek, I admit) as to how you can combat this new technology.

Option 1) Before you go to an airport with one of these scanner, pick up a rather nifty little pair of Rocky Flats Gear briefs (yes, you can google that. It is the real deal). Simply put, they are underwear for both men and women with a lead-free radiation shielding for your gonads/junk/breasts. They come in an assortment of designs for the 'protective part' the most popular being the fig-leaf design. Now you can walk proudly though a scanner with your bits and pieces safe from both radiation and wandering eyes! Win/win!

Option 2) Go online (or travel to Florence) and grab yourself a pair of Michelangelo's David boxer briefs. If you do decided to go to Florence, you can marvel at the work of art that is David (foreskin and all) and then, step outside the museum and see one of those lovely souvenir vendors who will be more than happy to sell you a pair of briefs/boxers with David's actual size doodle printed on the front. Why would this help you with a scanner, I hear you ask. Simple. Place your newly bought David doodle boxers on the outside of your clothing and wear it everywhere while in an airport. By the time you get to a scanner, most folk will believe you completely crazy and will A) ignore you B) laugh at you C) not give a shit when you actually do go through the scanner because you've already paraded around with a picture of a dick printed on your clothing. Seeing your real thing just won't be a big deal after that. Sorry, girls, this one only works for guys!

Option 3) When traveling, take with you a good porn mag/willing partner. (this is my fav!) When you get to a scanner, stop and read the mag/get partner to offer manual help. What this will achieve is you becoming aroused and therefore giving those who run the scanner your full mast! I mean, if someone's going to see me naked, then why not while in all my erectile glory! It will give the poor customs staff something to giggle about and you'll feel proud by the fact you've been able to give them something to talk about.

Option 4) Don't go through the scanner, go for the search instead. Of course, such an option has brought to light the most profound words of our modern world:

Customs officer: "Sir, I am going to slide my hand slowly down the left hand side of your groin."
Airport traveler: "You touch my junk and I'll have you arrested."

See? Classic?

Well, that's it folks...until next time...happy reading and happy travels! Next week I will be announcing my Christmas release with a competition, too!


Tierney O'Malley said...

Hahahhahahaah! Nice, Mark.

Gracen Miller said...

ROFLMAO! Too funny, Mark!

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